My only son is four, and we've had playdates since he's been a few months old, but as he's gotten older and playdates are more frequent, I still feel like a novice when it comes to knowing the "rules" and unspoken etiquette for playdates. Of course, childhood play is much different than most of us current parents had in our own childhoods (in my rural hometown we just joined neighborhood kids when they were outside or our moms called each other for spur-of-the-moment play), so that's not much help. As such, I have done some perusing on parenting websites and asked mommy friends about their ideas on etiquette and expectations of playdates for toddlers and preschoolers in today's world.
Venues
We are blessed to live in an area where there are many venues to meet for play dates from parks to bounce houses to restaurants with play areas. Some moms I know prefer public places for reasons from everything to safety issues to not feeling the need to clean house. On the other hand, others prefer the comfort of homes and familiar surroundings for kids. From what I have gathered, choosing a venue is largely based on the comfort level of the parties involved. However, if you are offering your home and you have pets, I have learned that it is a good idea to ask your invitees in advance if there are any allergies or fear of dogs or cats.
Food
A question that has crossed my mind frequently is around food. From my own unscientific polling, there are mixed results. Some hosting parents happily provide snacks, while others choose not to. Although, most parents mentioned that when their kids go to a playdate, they do not expect that the host will provide snacks, and they make sure their kiddos have eaten beforehand.
There is large consensus across the board that hosts do not expect that invitees will bring food to the playdate. The exception to this rule is if the child has allergies and cannot eat certain foods that the host may offer, and therefore parents need to send what foods their child can eat. Real Simple magazine says that in today's "goody-baggification" world some may feel the need to bring goodies, but emphasizes, "you don't have to show up to a playdate with anything besides your child."
Age
I have often wondered at what age is it appropriate to have children go to playdates alone and when parents are not expected to stay. Parenting magazine advises that parents should stay with their children under the age of 3. However, in my own polling of mom friends, the consensus seemed to be that around kindergarten age is when both parents and kids are most comfortable with drop-off playdates.
A caveat shared by a good mom friend of mine who also was a nanny for many years is that playdates at pools are often fun for the kids. However, she advised that most, if not all, parents of any age child should stay for those playdates because of the inherent risk that water poses.
Behavior
Of course, I want my son to always be on his best behavior, but like all children, I know he has his moments. I have wondered how other parents would discipline my child if need be. A child and parenting psychologist states in a Reader's Digest article that house rules apply. She advises that if the parent is not at the playdate, it is fair for the host to discipline the invited child as she does her own children. More than one expert recommends not telling parents about the bad behavior unless it involves serious issues like hitting or biting, and they emphasize to be sure to talk to the parent about the behavior itself, not the child.
On the flip side, as part of modeling good behavior, both experts and moms agree that parents should always offer to help hosts clean up and put toys away. Plus it's a good lesson to teach the little ones. Parenting magazine further reminds us to be sure to thank the hosts.
Communication
A common thread for successful playdates that was mentioned in one form or another from each mom with whom I spoke is communication. It is important to communicate in advance what the general expectations of the playdate are, especially when it comes to issues such as the aforementioned pets or food allergies.
Also, communication about times is important, so that all parents know how long to expect the playdate to be, especially when it is a drop-off playdate, and parents need to know when to pick up their child. Both my sister and best friend shared horror stories about how some of their in-home playdate guests stayed much longer than expected, and the guests did not get hints when it was time to leave. My sister even had to have a friend call her to give her a reason to leave her own house right away. Do not wear out your welcome!
Playdates are wonderful opportunities for kids to play and interact with others their age and to learn valuable social skills like sharing and taking turns. Though playdates may require some planning and communication in advance, it is all worth it, in the end, to help ensure fun, safe and successful playdates for our little ones!
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