Last spring life was going swimmingly when BOOM! Life took a very hard and abrupt detour. My dad, who had been visiting from out of state, suddenly became very ill. A trip to the ER turned into a month's long hospitalization nearby that included major heart surgery. Along with also taking care of my mom (because caretakers need taking care of too), life pivoted quickly and unexpectedly. The weeks-long emotional and physical toll together wiped me out more than anything I had ever experienced.
On the practical side, not only did I have to grapple with the sudden day-to-day change of schedules and logistics, I had the emotional side to deal with as well. One of the hardest parts was how much to share with my 8 year-old-son, who was rightfully scared about what was happening to his beloved grandfather.
I realized I was living the life of someone in the sandwich generation.
The sandwich generation as defined by Merriam-Webster is, "a generation of people who are caring for their aging parents while supporting their own children."
What I Learned
Looking back I learned a lot and want to share my most important takeaways from my first sandwich generation experience:
1) Lean into your networks! Now is the time to let others help YOU. Personal friends and friends in my women's organization offered and brought meals. Honestly it was hard to accept such generous amounts of food, but literally those meals saved my sanity. After days of driving back and forth into the city to see my parents, having meals delivered in time for dinner meant I did not have to rush out of the hospital and leave my parents' side.
Also during this time, my husband took advantage of flexible work hours to help at home. This is not the time to be shy to avail yourself to ALL the help that IS out there, though it may be difficult to ask.
2) Let others fill in. My sister flew to Baltimore to be with my dad and help with my mom. I had gotten accustomed to being there, but my sister assured me I did not need to be there when she was. That weekend break was such a relief, physically, emotionally, mentally -- all of it.
3) Be honest with kids. My therapist, Meg Cocco of Bradford Counseling in Severna Park, reminded me to share what is age appropriate. Quinten was rightly concerned, but I assured him that his grandpa was right where he needed to be with smart people who knew what he needed to make him better. I also did not take him to the hospital. Seeing his grandpa so sick would have served no purpose.
Meg also advised that the simple act of reassuring Quinten was also a tacit consolation to myself. Just saying the words out loud was indeed beneficial to me as well.
4) Take time for YOU. This one was probably the hardest of all, because I felt selfish at times. Here I have all these people around me, who I love and who need me right now, and I'm doing something just for me? However, I never felt more profoundly the adage, "You can't pour from any empty cup."
I had been doing what needed to be done for so long, and probably on autopilot, that I didn't even realize my cup was empty until I had a wonderful, leisurely lunch with a friend who filled my cup. She wanted to hear about Dad, but I insisted I hear about her recent overseas trip first. Getting my mind off of tests and surgeries was just what the doctor ordered for ME.
Sandwich Generation Article Series
Many of us middle-aged parents are dealing with similar sandwich generation issues.
As such, I am pleased to announce that this article is the first in a series over the next several months to help you navigate issues affecting this unique group. Look for them on the last Wednesday of the month!
Topics will include how to communicate with hospital staff, what happens upon hospital discharge, how to decide on assisted living, estates and wills, and more.
Many of the articles in our sandwich generation series will be sponsored by Jennifer McAndrews of Assisted Living Locators in Annapolis.
As the owner of Assisted Living Locators Annapolis, Jennifer provides a no-cost, placement and referral service that offers the best senior care options, information, and resources available. She has dedicated her career to serving seniors which includes experience as a home care agency owner for 13 years. Jennifer joined Assisted Living Locators to assist families navigate the ever-changing demands of caring for an aging loved one.
Contact Jennifer to help you and your family find the right care option for your loved one! 410-507-4490 Jenm@assistedlivinglocators.com
P.S. Almost a year later, I am thrilled to report that my dad is doing great. He's resumed his usual active lifestyle, traveling again, and is as healthy as can be under the circumstances. I no longer feel "sandwiched," but I feel better equipped if and when "sandwich" situations arise again.
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My parents and me on Easter Sunday 2023.
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